And we have an interview!

Severus Snape: Scoundrel or Saint? ~ An exclusive, on-the-wall interview by Rita Skeeter :beetle:


So! Here we are again! Obviously. First can I say – thank you for talking to us once more and – Love the portrait! I have not seen it. It even makes your hair look good. And that’s most important. Yours also flatters you.	[img]http://www.bewitchedmind.net/images/Rita.jpg[/img]

When was it painted?

It should have been commissioned when I took up the post of Headmaster of Hogwarts. I never found the time, and, inexplicably, Professor McGonagall failed to put it on our agenda.

So…?

Harry Potter was responsible for hanging it… Painted from depressingly numerous, unavoidable photographs taken – of everyone – during my tenure as Potions master. And, if I am not mistaken, from an older photograph found among one or other of Potter’s parents’ possessions.

Who hung it?

I thought I just said that Potter did.

Actually hung it on the wall himself? What were your first words to him?

‘Well, if it isn’t our perennial – celebrity.’

Now then, headmaster: I believe you told a few tiny lies during our last interview. I am curious to know how that was possible.

I can hold my liquor. Does it matter?

Veritaserum? There are those who are convinced an Occlumens can defeat its effects. You assured me otherwise.

Occlumency can hinder some of Veritaserum’s most acute effects. This is why results thus achieved are not infallible, and are therefore worthless as legally-binding evidence. But as anyone who is paying attention ought to have realised, it is a far poorer defence than, say, an antidote, since the potion blocks the very skills needed for successful Occlumency. Administering Veritaserum is a useful tactic for wringing truth from an Occlumens. Are we clear at last?

Then…?

Think: where did you get ‘our’ Veritaserum?

You made it.

I did – from the same stocks used to supply Professor Umbridge. It so happens I was mistaken in telling her they were exhausted.

But we tested it!

Whoops… My hand may have slipped. I suppose it's possible that the test batch came from a different source.

And I thought you could be trusted…

More fool you.

‘Scoundrel’ indeed! I must say, you had me hoodwinked.

You are babbling, Rita.

Yes, and you have all those pressing engagements.

As a matter of fact my leisure time remains limited. Move on.

Very well, let’s deal with some lies. Firstly, I see you falsified two of your exam results.

The better to encourage you to check your facts.

And you gave me an incredible cöck-and-bull story about how you arrived at Hogwarts and came to be christened ‘Snivellus’.

Again, you could have found this out easily.

Yes, and I did, although I couldn’t see how you were getting away with fibs. The ‘facts’ did not add up –

Yet you published?

Well, naturally; you sell. What else… How about events leading to Dumbledore’s death?

I told you the truth.

One way we know you lied is because the truth was publicly announced by Harry Potter almost as soon as he found out –

Yes, how typically clever of him. The account I gave was largely accurate.

– I expect he was putting paid to all the ‘Snarry’ shipping.

I shall vomit!

So, you were with Narcissa Malfoy shortly beforehand?

Did I tell you this?

Yes you did.

Then you may assume it’s true.

You said you were a loyal Death Eater.

Exactly so: a Death Eater, loyal to Albus Dumbledore.

Whom you ‘put down like a dog, a clapped-out old wizard who’d outlived his usefulness’?

Can you think of a better way to describe his predicament?

One of three people who made you angriest?

He probably occupied the top spot.

But you definitely implied… No, stated that –

Consider my position during our previous conversation, Ms Skeeter. There was an unpublished book to be sold… a persuasive legal team to placate… And I owed it to Dumbledore to keep his plans a secret.

You said there was no cause for which you would willingly die.

Of course I did.

May I pause to salute you… sir?

Be my guest. Pauses can be such a comfort.

You dodged the question about your Boggart. Should we assume it’s Lily Evans Potter in her wedding outfit?

You should not.

Sorry, I meant Lily in her shroud.

Next question.

I presume the true reason you were prepared to make the Unbreakable Vow to Narcissa Malfoy was that you’d already consented to be the agent of Dumbledore’s death?

Correct.

And did she repay you as you previously suggested?

Remind me… What did I previously suggest?

In our last interview you insinuated you were having it off with Mrs Malfoy! You did more than insinuate it.

You seemed to know what you were talking about, so I admitted it.

You were!

Well –

But what was all that ‘goddess’ talk – what would Lily say?

Lily, unfortunately, would not say a word. I was most… taken with Narcissa, her affection was a gentle trip back to the Bad Old Days, when a well-cast Unforgivable would get you anywhere. But the arrangement was strictly temporary. I told you that before.

We'll have to trust you, then. And Mr Malfoy?

Was not in a position to object.

So – many will be breathing a sigh of relief – you’re not a virgin.

I find it hard to imagine that anyone –

– but my readers –

– could possibly care. I see that we are equally predictable. Could you not set their little minds at rest yourself?

How long did it take you, after Lily’s death?

What?

Dear me, no; after her marriage! – Did you ever snog her, by the way? Lily?

How long after her marriage did what take? Are you still harping on about sex?

They want to know!

How long after Lily’s marriage did it take me to have sex? Or have sex again’?

You tell me.

Absolutely none of your readers’ concern.

Please tell me that any carnal solace you sought was with a female human being.

You interviewed Aberforth for your book, didn’t you?

Tried to; had to settle for the goat! So… you didn’t tell yourself, ‘If I sleep with wizards I won’t be betraying Lily’s memory’?

Rita, why don’t you just interview yourself? Your imagination is far more nimble than my reality. Has my response to your intrusive question about Narcissa not dealt with this line of inquiry?

Did you visit a Lily-whore?

A what?

Some say you detest prostitutes and wouldn’t go to one; others that you are partial to –

I’ve plenty of respect for professionals. In fact I identify with you.

Nice! Did you turn to one in the lonely, Lily-less hours? Hmmmmm?

Oh, back on the scent. I’m afraid I must –

Fear not! The more you tell, the less you have to worry about anyone finding out. So you actually went out and looked for a redheaded hooker? Look, don’t answer; everyone will simply assume the worst.

I doubt that… It was worse.

Oh my god! A Metamor-

Polyjuice Potion.

Ye-es? And how –

From a bookmark received on my thirteenth birthday. Made from her hair. Satisfied?

Oh ho! Did it work? I mean, I’m sure the potion worked, assuming your hand didn’t ‘slip’… Were you satisfied?

No.

Shame! Couldn’t get up the – hah – ‘nerve’ in the face of…

It had nothing to do with facing her. Rita, there are not words fit to describe the sordid clutch of Red Caps that make up your readership. I learned that it wasn’t Lily’s appearance – or the mere feel and scent of her – that I craved. Some things are impossible to manufacture.

So you asked for your money back?

I did not.

A gentleman, then…

I waited for the Polyjuice to wear off and [deleted] her to insanity.

Severus, this is a family site!

It is not a family site, it is my site.

We have sponsors. The admins will have kittens if you –

They are my admins. They will live with it.

[Think again, sir. We have your best interest at heart.]

Fine, back to that Vow. Did Narcissa repay you as you previously suggested?

Well, it wasn’t cut and dried, although it could have been had I wanted it so. To achieve her ends, Narcissa was prepared to pretend that her gratitude extended as far as… mutual appreciation.

And you?

I – ah – ‘let her pretend’.

All was pretence?

There was an odd, undeniable chemistry. Don’t ask me to fathom the way a member of the Black family’s mind works.

Do you think Lily really cared for you? Or were you just a first-wizard acquaintance that she couldn’t shake off?

Hardly.

You are certain?

Quite certain.

What evidence do you have?

This is not your business.

Severus – let’s be blunt – I’m a tabloid hack. This is precisely my business.

You’ll have to accept my word, since I don’t consider it in the public interest to disclose more. Rita, if your little project misrepresents the situation, I will teach you the meaning of remorse.

Tell m-

To Lily’s critics I will say that she was not solely responsible for the, ah, severing of friendly ties. I knew what was needed to maintain them and did not oblige.

So you weren’t devastated? Heartbroken? Bereft?

I naïvely imagined the situation could be retrieved later, when I had progressed –

And you reckoned without suave Mr James Potter.

You take too much for granted!

Did you snog Lily?

Come on, did you?

Once? Twice? More than snog?

Do you still experience survivor guilt?

Yes. Although, technically –

Did you contribute to the death of Sirius Black?

I confess I longed to see his head, but Bellatrix deserves all the credit she can muster.

Do you admire Albus Dumbledore?

Albus Dumbledore used everyone who put faith in him. I occasionally questioned both his priorities and his methods. He was controlling in the most underhand of ways, sometimes foolishly so. But yes, I admire him more than anyone else I can think of. Bar one.

You were his man through and through, then…

Put it that way if you must.

Despite the fact that he spared no thought for what would happen to you after his death? Or for your beloved’s only son?

Oh, he spared us more than a thought. But Dumbledore loved the world, and had a godlike ability to sacrifice people close to him for its benefit.

And you were happy with that?

That is a matter between Dumbledore and myself.

Sad, all that guff about going peacefully at your own pace, after a full and varied life… ‘At an inconceivably advanced age’.

Yes, tragic. I may weep.

Look; you can’t expect me to leave Mrs Potter alone entirely… Would I be right in suggesting that your nickname, ‘the Half-blood Prince’ was in fact a penitential gesture, in the aftermath of the ‘Mud-’

No.

When did you start wearing black?

When do you think?

Is that your answer?

It's the only one you're getting.

I’ll bet you have that bookmark on you.

It’s in the portrait. I'd rather not imagine how Potter came by it.

May I take a peek?

No.

Yes, please. My readers won't rest until its existence is confirmed… You were once bold enough to let me handle your wand… That’s not in the portrait, is it?

It can be found, if you care to –

It’s the bookmark I’m interested in. Where’s the harm?

You’ll find some.

A challenge! Give us a look. Is there something indecent about it?

Have you heard of the Turpentertia curse, Rita? Three hairs out of place and the culprit will dissolve. As I have explained, one hair has already been sacrificed…

Thank you. Ah! It’s very fine… nice braidwork. Such rich colours…

Yes.

Do you derive comfort from the fact that her hair will always remain thus?

Do I derive comfort from the fact that my hair will always remain thus? I don’t think so.

This is very cunning; there’s a message woven in… Hold on to your nerve, I’m going to read it out.

Rita –

Kept You your deepest Bond with Me?
Then let thy mortal Eyes seek Mine,
And seeing, shall I fly to Thee,
And in my soulful Hand clip Thine,
Teach Thee how to let go Care,
And twine with Me like braided Hair.

My, how touching is that? Not bad… for a 13-year-old. But what does it mean?

A 13-year-old did not compose it. It means, Rita, that the dead we have loved never really leave us.

If she didn’t write it, who did?

Return that now, or suffer my… displeasure.

Very disconcerting, this childish romance! What do you say to those who feel it’s simply not possible that the person you seemed to be all this while dedicated his entire adult life to the interests of someone you fell for when – let me check my notes – nine years old? Someone who wouldn’t forgive a heated insult, made under intense pressure, in your mid-teens… and then married your hated enemy? That the final account of your actions and motives simply does not square with what was shown of you before?

They are wrong. I wonder why they think the Dark Lord attempted to spare her?

To make your story more credible to Dumbledore?

Or because, having demonstrated my commitment, I begged for her life?

Was that it?

My actions were never consistent with another interpretation.

Those who disagree also say you were weak to wallow in sad memories of a dead girl whose love you had lost –

The Dark Lord would certainly agree. He failed to understand that loss and regret are byproducts of love. Endured and sublimated, they are as potent as joy and pleasure. They strengthen, increase resolve. He doled such gifts generously, handing his enemies weapons… I do not believe I lost her love completely. Mislaid, perhaps.

So you don’t agree that most mature human beings, suffering such a loss, would move on? Evolve beyond it?

Some comment beyond a sneer would be welcome.

I am not sneering. You rendered me momentarily speechless.

You don’t agree, then?

Inadvertently snuffed out the only person you gave a sideways bugger for, lately, Rita, have you?

Is that rhetorical, or would you rather interview me?

No. Not lately.

Oh, but you have a wide circle of acquaintances who have? If so, I suggest you ask them.

Actually, I don’t know anyone who –

It is for others to say how far I evolved from the idiot I was at twenty but, after Lily died, it was certainly a question of ‘evolve or cease’. The understanding of those who suggest I am immune from this facet of the human condition because I have not ‘got over it’ is… deficient.

Anyway, on to the subject of sex!

Well, we haven’t covered that, have we?

Were you very frustrated?

Frequently. Starving for it, most days.

Not the best state for a double-treble-quadruple – whatever – agent to be in, is it? ‘Starvation’?

I use that word loosely, in the way people with healthy appetites say, ‘I’m starving. What’s in the larder?’

Ah. One of my regular readers wants me to pose this one: if you weren’t lying about your little kink – call it what you will – wouldn’t ‘mutual Legilimency during sex’ have been a bit beyond daring in your circumstances?

Well, it certainly isn’t now. Thank you so much, Potter… I used caution. One does not remain a skilled and subtle Occlumens without a good deal of practice. The exercise in question is most immediate, relevant to the business in hand. As – forgive me – you could have told them.

Seriously, now: one last question, on which I hope you’ll prove expansive. Why do you think you are as popular as you are with your supporters? Perhaps not as popular with certain of them as you were, but with those who remain faithful?

Those with whom I am no longer popular must do what they can to reconstruct the world as it suits them. Those with whom I remain popular? I cannot answer that.

Best guess?

I tell the truth as I see it and behave as I see fit, indifferent to what others will think. And sometimes I lie through my uneven teeth. They enjoy attempting to work out the difference.

And those who are disappointed? Let down? Disillusioned?

If only they could be… Have you noticed how those who are most emphatic in their expressions of loyalty are often first in line to put in the hobnailed stiletto? Stupid children who talk of what they don’t understand –

Now we’re on a Rowl!

– unable to conceive of an intelligent, devious person who no longer plays the game for worldly gain, but to answer deeper emotional needs. Which, they insist, are immature and feeble. Which, I insist, are no one’s affair but my own. Well, my fair-weather followers, we shall see how you feel when you have grown up a bit yourselves.

And when will that be?

Not, it seems, until you lose something so precious that you comprehend the folly of embracing that which destroys what is precious. Not until you learn that robes of mastery (over anything but yourself) carry a ruinous price tag yet, once your purse is empty, do nothing to enhance your appearance. Not until you understand that deathless schemes of Dark cunning are nothing but noxious vapour over a cauldron boiled dry.

Never mind the rhetoric, feel the bile! Continue, Saint Severus!

When these lessons have sunk in and you no longer confuse ability and nerve with ambition and willingness to harm, know that what you leave behind matters… then you can lecture ‘we fools who love’ about what we are entitled to esteem valuable. Meanwhile, why not take a dip with the Giant Squid? He cannot wait to take over the High Seas, and wants your support.

I had a feeling you’d be more forthcoming, given an opportunity –

Any time.

– to tell your younger self a thing or two. Feeling better for it?

What do you think?

I think nothing, headmaster. By the way, have you looked in on the dungeons’ ‘Weedbed of Remembrance’?

Charming concept! I’m hardly the Princess of Wales… as even your readers may have realised.

What would you place there on your own behalf?

I was under the impression that you had already uttered the words ‘last question’.

You know I’m not going away until –

– until I hand further weapons to my detractors?

You were quite uncooperative during certain parts of this interview. Time to compensate.

I do not think… Oh – very well. Don’t expect me to offer attribution; perhaps if you check your facts properly this time you can supply it.

That’s not my –

Do you want this?

Yes.

Then take it, and put it there yourself.

How… promising. Do you have any questions for me?

Just one: What’s in the larder?

I thought you were short of leisure time.

True, alas. Go careful, Rita… until we meet again.

I will. Thank you for indulging us, headmaster.

Bewitched Mind: And we have an interview! - Bewitched Mind